my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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