just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
