6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
