so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
