I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
