Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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