i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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