I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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