Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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