Your face is a jimmy john
tell your sister to shave her snatch
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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