You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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