Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
