When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
