Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
