It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
