Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
