I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
