how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
