Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
