I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
