I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
