Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
