I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
