she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
