I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
