Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
