I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
