I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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