those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
