guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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