remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
