I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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