In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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