In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
