i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
