my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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