Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
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