I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
