I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
