dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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