Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
babies were throwing up all over the place
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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