True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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