Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Let's paint friendship bongs
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
