***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
There's always time for handjobs
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
