I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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