I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
