i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
