I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
