I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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