My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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