just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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